Surviving...

STEP TWO - Survival Mode


Around the same time as I felt called by God to cross-cultural and overseas missions was also about the time I started questioning my faith...


I knew I couldn't live under the shadow of my mother's faith any longer and I started questioning if God was real.


It took me a while but I went to a Peter Snell Youth Village Summer Camp around this time and I remember on our trip out we went to Waiheke Island and there while talking to the speaker I think his name was 'Kim' we asked that question how do we know God is real...


His answer made me think as he used the illustration of a watchmaker.  He pointed to his watch and asked us who had made it - we said a watch maker.  He asked us how we knew - we said that it couldn't be made by itself it must of had a person to make it.  He then turned our attention to the beautiful creation around us and said who made it?  It made me see that the creation around us had to be made by someone because of it's intricate design.  It definitely gave me things to think about. (Since then I have stumbled across this dynamation which is a good illustration of the watchmaker story it is good for a look if you have a few minutes kids4truth.com/Dyna/Watchmaker.aspx )


That night at Peter Snell Youth Village I made my own decision to choose God as my own...


That was the beginning of my period of survival - I didn't know how hard life could be but I never felt normal and didn't think that I fitted in anywhere.   I had people who definitely helped me through high school and beyond who have helped mould me into the person I am today.  


I was dealing with issues of self-esteem, self worth, struggling with not having a father, trying to help friends with their issues as well as deal with mine and more...


At one point in High School I was helping with Sunday School in the mornings because I thought it was want I SHOULD do but I didn't want to go to church for my own spiritual growth in fact I didn't really want to be at church at all however Julie-Anne Varney was there encouraging me and drawing me back to church.  Also Jude De Waal who impacted my life through her openness, love and care who was there as a listening ear all through my high school and who I am so glad to have had as a part of the next major event in my journey with God.


On Mother's Day 1997, I was baptised at Whangaparaoa Baptist Church.  That night was such an encouragement to me as my whole family was there... Not only my brother Gareth with his hair dyed purple, Bevan, Mum and Hayden (who regularly attended there anyway) but also my Grandmother who was a very special and dear person to me and Aunty Ivy.  Having my family there made it all the more special but the people who encouraged me that night also impacted my life...


Joanne Hall gave me the verses...
“Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go. Keep this Book of the Law always on your lips; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful.  Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” - Joshua 1:7-9  


For me these verses although I don't necessarily feel I have been the best example have been a constant reminder to be strong and courageous to not give up and not let fear take hold in my life.


And another friend who gave me... 
"My son (daughter), do not forget my teaching, but keep my commands in your heart, for they will prolong your life many years and bring you peace and prosperity.  Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart.   Then you will win favour and a good name in the sight of God and man.  Trust in the Lord with all your heart     and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." ~Proverbs 3:1-6~


Verse 5 and 6 were already favourites of mine but it made me remember that love and faithfulness are also things I want to be strong holds in my life as well as Trusting always in God.


These verses are and will be a continued centre point in my life.


I felt that I never fitted in, in High School and I often found myself on the outside... I was different from others and did not know how to socialise very well, I was quite withdrawn.  I was a loner and didn't know how to relate to others (at least that's how I saw life).


The one constant in my life has been God even though I haven't always known how to relate to him or what his place in my life should be.


My survival mode continued all through high school going from day to day, just surviving not really living and even into my time at Teacher's college, I was just surviving living each day as it came and not really trying too hard to deal with life.  I used to hid from the world not know who the real me is and too scared to trust others and open up to them. But life came to a head in Teacher's college, when I was at a particularly low point, although my feelings and ways of doing things hadn't stopped me I found that I was finding it harder and harder to cover up how I was feeling and one class I found I cried the whole way though as I didn't know how to deal with life.  Thankfully I was close enough to a wonderful lecturer Ruth Smith who helped me and directed me to more help and started me on my journey of healing and finding myself.  


Starting to move me out of survival mode into living and learning...


(JUST A DISCLAIMER - there were many other influential and important people to me during this time but I would be writing for days if I was to tell my whole story)